Dear Ajé:
I deleted my facebook about five minutes ago. I think I may already feel more human than I did earlier today. Or possibly less human depending on how you look at it.
Sometimes it feels that no matter what I do, I lose sight of myself. But what exactly is this self I’m trying to keep sight of?
I suppose it’s time for me to introduce you to yourself. You love people but are easily over stimulated. So often you present yourself as angry or sad and when people try to look deeper into this it only reproduces the cycle, because inquiring creates more stimuli.
You are a game that I can’t win.
And I try to beat you everyday. I want to make you my slave; cater to everything in me that feels good at any time. My efforts to contain you only make me a prisoner within myself. And all I really know how to do is prance around how I really feel.
Sometimes I just want to bitch like crazy. I’m trying so hard to find the positive in things. Not to reproduce negative energy with negative words or thoughts. Trying to not hold things against people because I really do believe that nothing is personal. We are all products of our environment, but we are all products of choice as well. To a certain extent we have no control over how we feel about anything. But there comes a time where we have to take responsibility for ourselves, for our emotions, and for our actions. I try to live my life as though just the thought ‘I am happy’ is enough to get me through each day, because I really do believe that thoughts become things. But only to a certain extent. I mean, I can’t think “I will win the lottery” and expect to actually win just because I thought that. That’s a ridiculous concept.
I think I’m just angry. Because I no longer feel that I have the right to blame others for my feelings. And because of this I don’t believe in making people feel guilty for their comments/behaviors. But sometimes the things people do/say is absolutely infuriating! How am I to find balance in these situations? I am hoping that I will learn the answer to this question, though I fear the answer is something similar to mere tolerance and I am not fond of that answer.
I’m starting to care about what people think again, and I hate that. It’s silly. But people see me and come up with all of these ideas based on stereotypes or one-time experiences. I am rarely what people see and I always feel like I have to explain this to folks. It’s draining and it scares me in an ‘I feel judged’ way. I also really hate it when people make comments about my eccentricity. People will tell me I’m “so brave” because I can dye my hair to match the new box of neon Crayola’s, or because I wear clothes that don’t match, or because I wear makeup that takes up half of my face. I wake up, I feel an urge, I follow. I am not special. I am not brave. I am simply following my impulses. Some people have an automatic desire to wear sweater vests and ties every day. Some people have an automatic desire to wear skirts every day. Some people are automatically different every day.
But folks make a big deal out of anything that’s not mainstream. Mainstream has never appealed to me. That’s why I don’t fit into that category. But none of us really fit into categories.
I don’t get it either.
I suppose this rampage has gone on long enough. I’m a little drunk. A little annoyed. Somewhat depressed and utterly confused. But I’m hoping that despite all that, I’ll be able to stop giving a fuck what anyone says about anything.
Love,
Yourself
P.S. My new goal for the week is to learn how to say “What’s it to you?” and “None of your business.” without caring if someone thinks I’m the biggest cunt of all time.
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